Vampire, Heal they self
by Sea9262
Summary: Set after 'Beneath You' for Spike.


Vampire, heal thy self  
  
Sea'Wana  
  
Sea.Wana@att.net  
  
R  
  
I worship I could never own.  
  
B/S  
  
Summery: After 'Beneath You' what is he going to do.  
  
So she's gone your show has ended until the next episode. What will that be how good of a performance can you put on. The cliffhanger is over and now the after math no one will ever be the same. Your not so why should they be... the same.  
  
She ran out trying to get away as usual. Can you blame her? Your pathetic what did you think you could do? Convince her of your good intentions. Why'd you do it? Huh, what did it get you? You become a demon cause of a woman, now you're half bread because of women. Maybe you should stick to men. Less fuss.  
  
Or maybe you can get off that cross and do something. Ask Angel how he got past this. No. You can't do that cause Angel had his way and you have to find yours. The tele of happy dead play past your minds eye again. Not happy dead, just dead. So what will you do now she's useless all tears and whys? Its obvious why so what she asking for?  
  
Vampire, heal thy self...how? How do you close that swallowing whole dark unending pain? How do you poke out that minds eye that plays the just deads before you? How do you pull yourself up by the straps and get on with it. Die? Or live? Hard choice, the claps you get for dead would burst your eardrums. The boos you get for living would only make you hurt more.  
  
Who cares? It's your soul, your choice, she wont stop you, so decide damn it. Make. A. Choice.  
  
Vampire, heal thy self...  
  
And were do you start.. not with her for sure, she's not willing and she don't need some nut on her door. There aren't words, anyway the way that mind of yours been twisted by that mouth, you couldn't say enough in the right order long enough for her to understand. So what? Back to the basics in your day a man put his heart and SOUL on paper. What better way, no pin or paper. Computer then one of those journal like jobs with the blips and beeps.  
  
Maybe not with the blips and beeps don't need to add more noise to the party in your head. Is something burning? Never mind...mind...my mind on paper words thousand of words. From William to Spike to Soul what do we call the Soul Will? Good strong name. First start my decide where to start...  
  
Two weeks later...  
  
He just show up and handed it to her. She sit as Willow read because she's lost her voice and she can't read it any more it like holding pain itself.  
  
'And now on to the reason...6'4 just the right size to fit in all the good places and fit she did. Me. In perfect happiness no I can say that it was, she was never right not before or after loss, can do that to a soul, I'm beginning to learn. Yet once set out on the journey along the way one can arm themselves with the things you need and get rid the things you don't, sometimes you leave the wrong things behind or the thing that's just wrong to have. Me. Just wrong not man enough, not strong enough, and tortured enough. Can't say that I know, how she felt yes in that bit of instance between death and unlife it's made so clear. But it's an instant not enough to compare. I don't love you and I never will she said. Hurting pain so deep that I wanted to make her understand in doing so I hurt her. I wanted to, I wanted to hurt her in the back of the deep dark mind I wanted her to know how she had hurt me. Yet when done pain, after pain was inflicted, I ran away and added more pain.  
  
So I sit in the dark with it and it. Dealing with the next day. No longer basking in the light of her. Unlike her first, no cause to fight for, no wrongs to right, just this plastic box of blips and beeps not so much the blips and beeps but the last hope for a soul that can't contain the pain. I wanted her to know how much I love her, and need her. But like an addiction I must go cold turkey get better and when they ask I say 'One day at a time for the eternity I got in the bargain.' When they ask about the cravings I say, 'I sit in the corner and shake and shiver away the need for the truest love I ever had to go away and leave me be.' I can't love her anymore, cause then I'd hate her and I want to remember that she did give me a small part of herself. I wasn't the sex or kisses before that. It was the day see told me about being in heaven. I know that was the only pure moment I will ever have.  
  
I treasure it. More words yes there are more words but right now it the beginning a new one. I did good today. Not saving a life or not taking one, I made this day the first day. Tomorrow I'll try to do good again, I can only hope. If I see her I'll say. 'I'm taking one day at a time Buffy. Thank you for asking.' 


End file.
